"It's the Holiday season so you better by-God enjoy yourself or else dammit and those snacks WILL be brought", is the tone of the holiday E-mail that was sent to one and all by our division director. Let's face it, there is not a lot of happiness, love, and caring in the world right now, much less here in Bum-Fuck Oklahoma. We have a personal income tax here, plus sales tax, plus property tax, plus an anything you can think of to tax tax. The state economy is in the toilet, and the legislature is talking about having to borrow money from other funds just to keep the state govt functioning. State employees are having to take non-paid furloughs along with lay-offs, there are hiring and promotion freezes, and the different state agencies are having to trim millions from their budgets each month. If you are employed by the state you are damn lucky that you still have a job, because a lot of folks in the private sector(Hertz for one) are losing their jobs permanently. For these reasons and more, many just cannot seem to find their holiday cheer this year so Mr Division Director fired off a real morale booster of an email basically commanding us to be happy. He also asked that people "volunteer" to bring snacks/goodies and if response was minimal he would have his assistant draw up a schedule with everyone's name and let them pencil in what treat they would bring for their day. Gotta love the Holidays! I know a girl that works at this small private baptist university in Shawnee and she actually got a Holiday bonus - a VISA debit card that has a pic of a wrapped present on the front of it and it has $150.00 value.
A nice gesture I think. She wants to take it to the casinos this weekend and play the slots with it, and of course I'm going to have to go with her...heh.

I was reading MSNBC and somewhere up north they busted some teenage girl with some stamp bags of H that said TWILIGHT on them...it could say SHIT for all I care if the smack is good! Anyway I'm nodding off and need a smoke. Laters.

A day in the life...

It was a typical gray dreary winter day, a cold wind was blowing the dead leaves and trash into the corner of the driveway and as I watched, a few snow flakes added themselves to the mix. I reached over and turned the heater on trying to coax some warmth down to my freezing feet. "Dammit I wish he would hurry up" I thought for probably the 1000th time, trying by force of will to make Tattoo Dave's beat up Jeep Cherokee appear down the street, knowing that he would be coming from that direction. I hated the waiting, and it seemed like copping dope was 90% waiting and 10% finally getting the shit. I was sitting in my truck in front of Tattoo Dave's squalid rent house on the south side of Oklahoma City where we had tried the same thing yesterday without any results, his guy had never shown up at their meeting place. My nose was running now and I was slightly nauseous with anticipation, smoking and anxiously waiting for Dave. Suddenly my phone buzzed and I looked at the caller ID - yep...good old Tattoo Dave "I'll be there in 2 minutes and everything went well" he said and then hung up just as suddenly but hell I did not care. I smiled to myself because I knew he had my tar and soon I would be feeling oh so much better. Sure enough the next vehicle I see coming down the street was the battered Jeep Cherokee, and in it was my mexican black tar heroin, my make-me-all-better-again-medicine. Parking on the street in this neighborhood of older wood-frame homes, many badly needing paint and several boarded up with plywood where windows had been broken, Tattoo Dave and his girlfriend Melody locked their Jeep and walked up on the porch where I was already waiting for them, trying to stay out of the wind. I realized then how badly I needed a warm winter coat because the hoodie I was wearing let the cold wind come right through it but all my money went for something else and that was my main priority now. Tattoo Dave unlocked the door and we went inside. The house smelled of piss, body odor, and old garbage - Dirty dishes with cigarette butts and dried food were stacked up on the coffee table and somewhere in the rear of the house a dog was barking loudly. "SHUT THE FUCK UP BOOMER" screamed Tattoo Dave at the dog, making it bark even louder if anything. Sitting down on a stained ratty looking couch he brought out a large plate, set it on his lap, and spat out 4 small brightly colored orange balloons on it. He looked at me, smiled, and said "take your pick amigo" - I never hesitated grabbing the one closest to me, wiping it on my jeans and asking Dave if it was cool if I fixed here. "Hell yes", you go right ahead Noah-man, and I'll even join you...hahahaha" I pulled my salvation pack out of the front pockets of my hoodie and started fixing. I needed some room so I scooted a couple of dirty plates out of the way and when I did a fat cockroach skittered across the plates and disappeared under the plate that Tattoo Dave had put on the table while he was looking for his rig. Ugh. Fucking nasty place but I needed to fix and I was going to do it right here, right now. I realized the dog had finally quit barking and then Melody started bitching at Dave saying that she needed more dope, then Dave started yelling and the damn dog started up again with that loud ass barking. Just as I was ready to do my shot someone started pounding on the front door. Oh shit!

*** to be continued ***

'IM' frustrated

Goddammit! 2 1/2 hours late for work, and I was even awake earlier than normal - trying to find a damn vein, I'm so fucking frustrated right now...I finally just shot the whole mixture into that flashy part of the hip, fixed another even larger and shot that too. Of course there was NO rush, but I am feeling alright, at least I'm not sick. Everyone says to never IM tar but I had no choice, it was either that or be sick all day. This is getting to be a real problem and I'm not sure what to do about it. I just cannot bring myself to inject in the neck area yet - I've shot in my chest, groin, legs, feet, hands, and of course arms but the neck scares me. I called R to see if he knows any old junkie tricks to help me with this problem, if there is a solution he will know it. J has these big old cord like veins that just stick out all the time just begging for a big old shot. Mine are all smaller sized and they are like way deeper than his, just my fucking luck. If anyone out there knows of a way to bring these veins up closer to the surface, or any other trick for easier ijecting please email me and let me know. I would be in your debt, at least until I get so high I nod out and forget all about you! :)

Monday Morning Merriment

I went all day yesterday WITHOUT, and as a result I was not feeling well all night, but my guy calls me at 3:56 in the morning, and I'm laying there awake, sneezing and feeling sorry for myself - I have never been so damn glad to hear the phone ring - just like he said he would, he had just got his stuff and what time did I want to meet?!! Let's see, a quick shower...oh fuck the shower, I showered yesterday so I brushed my teeth, got dressed, locked up the house and 15 minutes later I'm on I-40 heading west into OKC, so about an hour later we hook up at this little Circle K not too far from his house. I jump into his ghettomobile and he is his usual stinky self but I don't give a shit...not at all. I pay for a G, and talk him into fronting me another coz I applied for a 'Xmas' Loan of $1200.00 from the good old Credit Union and was approved Friday, now I just need to sign the payroll deduction forms (they take the loan payments right out of my check...nice of them huh?!) and get the cash today at lunch. He acts like he is in a hurry and that is fine with me so I climb out of the stinkmobile and he roars off to make some more money no doubt. So it's 5:45 now and I don't have to be at work officially until 7:00 - I drive over to an On-Cue convenience store a couple of blocks from where I work, park out by the FREE AIR/WATER area and hurriedly fix a ginormous shot. I turn on the heater in my truck and get it all hot in there then THANK THE HEROIN GODS I manage to hit a vein on the top of my hand (ouch) and slowly push the brown spit-looking Mexican Nectar into my circulatory system. Dope is so good when you have to wait for it, even though at the time you fucking hate doing it. "Wow this is good shit, just like that last batch" I say out loud in that gravelly voice you get after doing a shot of good dope. I clean up a bit, throw my salvation kit back into my backpack, pull over to the front of the store next to an ambulance, light a cig, and reflect on a truly wonderful morning indeed. Before I can start nodding off I drive the 2 blocks to my place of employment, shit yeah...only 3 cars in the parking lot this morning so I get a spot way close and head up to the 2nd floor, stopping at the vending machine for an ICE COLD COKE-A-COLA. I get to my cubicle, login and it's 06:40...wow still 20 minutes early. What a great way to start a Monday or any other day for that matter. Now If I can just keep the nodding under control...heh.

diner dread

I met my guy at the diner, he ate eggs and toast while I had some OJ then we went back to the bathroom and I got all he had which was not much. Dammit. He cannot get anymore until Monday morning, but he did say he would meet me as soon as he picked it up. So I have enough for today, tomorrow, and Sunday if I stretch it out, do small shots and wait longer between fixes. This sucks ass. I hate being in this position! I'm thinking about just doing most of it this afternoon, saving just a bit for tomorrow morning and then just hope I can find someone holding that will hook me up. What would you do?

dental drivel

Just made the call and my guy wants to meet me in the morning, at this greasy spoon cafe not far from where I work. Doesn't want me coming by the house for awhile - he is all paranoid about a white carpet cleaning van that had been parked across the road at a home he says is empty. I drove by and actually they were cleaning the carpet...heh, anyway this dope he has is really, really good. I have to be careful with the shit it's so good, gummy and sticky as hell too, but it hits you like a hammer. Bam. Wow. Also I think it has a lot of morphine still in it, or whatever coz I get that pins/needles sensation(histamine release actually) when pushing the old plunger down. Yesterday I did my morning shot later than usual so I kinda combined my noon shot with it and damnation I was high as a kite, could not keep my eyes open or my head from slumping down to the table so I did a bit of chryssi and that did the trick. Ugh why does that shit burn so bad anyway! Went out to the casino and won $300.00 playing Hot Red Ruby, caught 2 Rubies worth $150.00 each and I quit after that, tried to eat but I like have NO appetite anymore so I took home a doggie bag for my dog and he quite enjoyed it. Actually I do like to eat Ice Cream...lately it's been Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, plus I eat Lucky Charms breakfast cereal for a midnight snack often. So I do eat, just not big ass greasy meaty meals...ugh. Oh, I eat the hell out of sunflower seeds too. All in all though I do find myself craving sweet, sugary snacks like those powdered donuts, or Krispy Kremes filled with cherry or creme, I also add sugar to my hot chocolate - it just never seems sweet enough. So tomorrow afternoon I only work 1/2 the day because I have a dental appt for a check-up and a cleaning. I am NOT looking forward to it either, Last time when I was cleaned my gums bled like hell. The girl that was doing the scraping said I had sensitive gums, and I was thinking how I could score some pain meds, but that was over a year ago and I have not been back so I bet I have a few cavities. Job pays for my dental insurance so my part should not be too bad. I'll report back tomorrow on how the 'buy' went. Stay safe all.

new points sure make a difference

With the holidays fast approaching I started thinking about how I usually work while most people in my area take time off and enjoy the company of their families. I mean it's easy money plus I get time and a half for working, and if I get called and have to come in on a holiday the pay rate is double my normal rate - that's over fifty bucks an hour, nice wages for sure. This is especially nice because I don't have to put up with any management bullshit because they ALL without fail take off during the holidays. I liked that immensely, but this year all that has changed. My new employer has guidelines saying only so many managers, supervisors, and employees can take off time during the holidays, and the personel that take off this year must work next year which is totally fair mind you, but it kinda screws people like me who like to work on the holidays. So now if I work this year I will have to take off next year, or I could take off this year and work next year. I'll just flip a coin...wait, here goes - tails means I work, heads I take off. Tails it is! So I guess I will be working this year, no great surprise to my family, I've been excommunicated anyway, but my sister did invite me to the Casino for poker around Thanksgiving time. We have family from Utah come in for turkey they say, but I know they really just love to gamble at Oklahoma's fine Indian casinos because Utah does not have any. This is about the only reason I can see for anyone wanting to actually visit Okla-Coma. I know, I know, instead of bitching about it all the time I should just live somewhere else but my family is here(my sister) and my house is here so I stay, for now anyway. So on to the real topic of this blog - heroin addiction. Things have been working out very well with my new 'guy'. He always answers when I call, hell he calls me sometimes when he has what he calls his 'bluelight specials' heh. Sometimes he will sell a 1/2 for a 1/4, or throw in something extra like xanax or a bit of this or that. He is a good dealer and I hope he stays around for a while, one weird thing is, the guy always smells. Whew...I mean body odor BO! His house smells like it and so does his car, I guess he does not believe in deodorant, but damn I wonder how his gf puts up with that. Maybe she has been around him so long that it has burned out her olfactory senses and she just cannot smell him. If this is the case then they are a perfect pair. J said he calls him Stanky when he is not around. Quite Stanky for sure. The type of people we associate with to obtain drugs never fails to amaze me, most people would avoid this guy like he had the Swine Flu, but here I am calling him, and meeting up with him. Ugh...the things we do to keep this monkey happy and well. It's a bit depressing actually. So I let myself run out of syringes and since I had quite a few that I had only used one time I started using them again but hell, those diabetic needles are not worth a shite - one time is about all they are good for so yesterday after work, still wearing my nice work clothes and my gov employee badge (backwards so you could not read my name) I stopped by a CVS drugstore and asked for a box of insulin syringes and I'll be damned if she said "Is Size 25 and 5/8, 1cc Ok?" I said yes, and she handed them right over, no problems at all. So I got a box of Kendall Monoject Hubless insulin syringes, 10 to a bag, 100 for $19.00, that's cheaper than the Internet. I guess it's all about appearance and who happens to be at the counter when you ask. Nice sharp needles sure do make things easy when Mr Vein is in a receptive mood. Oh damn, still 2 hours away from a shot. Guess I'll go have a cig now. Later everyone - stay safe and sound.

Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict

If you have not watched this on YouTube then go watch it. Now. The haunting quality of it really made it an honest film.